Daffodil Diaries

9 April 2013

Embracing my Singleness

The weather is still lovely here in Auckland, as it is over much of the country and I am feeling lately to just rest in the Lord. I read a little snippet on face book recently that said “one of the most spiritual things we can do is just rest”. When I read that I suddenly felt myself breathe a huge spiritual sigh of relief. It was like so much lifted off me and I have recently been aware of embracing the simple joys of life and being careful not to race too far ahead of myself. As I sit and rest, it has been a time of reflection as we move into this new Autumn season and I realise what a blessing it has been all these years to be just me..lol…and I ask myself, “did I ever think that could be the case”?? :-)

I remember going through so many different stages in my singleness over the years until one day when God began to show me what I would have missed had I been with someone already. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last 13 years developing myself in my career and growing in my ability to support myself financially, emotionally and spiritually, whilst also supporting my children through many stages of their own lives.

I love that we all live close to each other and therefore I am not too far away if they need emotional or other support. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when it has been incredibly hard to always be that support person, especially as a sole parent and at times I felt to give up and wanted nothing more than to runaway from home..but God continues to strengthen me to be all that they need. His word says He will be a defender of the widows and a Father to the fatherless; (Psalm 68:5) and He is faithful to fulfill that promise as I have experienced in my own life.

The bond between me and my children has been so strengthened over these years and is something very special for which I will always be grateful to God for. I even remember times when I would find myself saying to God…”please don’t send someone into my life yet because I simply can’t be distracted right now, my children still need me”…..I know they are all grown up and adults now…but you know what? the beginning years of their lives, as a result of my own mistakes, have taken their toll emotionally and for two of them especially has manifested negatively in different areas of their lives.

Therefore, I’d hate to have been unavailable to them all these years. I love what we have together as a family. It’s still not all ‘a bed of roses’, but we are getting there. I just love the strength and joy that I see in their lives as they continue to overcome the hurt of the past and move forward in their own lives one step at a time. In my own journey, I never felt that my own mother could really acknowledge and take any responsibility for what I and my siblings went through growing up. Hence, it has been my personal mission and my ministry, I guess, to serve my own children in a way that is healing and that will encourage them in their own development and so strengthen them for God’s calling on their lives.

At times it is tiring and I ask myself sometimes, “are we making ground?” but then I see old habits dropped and the wisdom of new decisions that are being made for a positive and new future and I also see the hearts that respond in love and understanding instead of the age old anger and resentment of years gone by and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and so I praise God with all my whole heart and soul for our team work, for without Him it would be useless because He alone enhances everything I do, with His spirit, which reinforces mine and His love towards them and makes them stronger with each passing day. We are certainly making progress and each day is a blessing!! 

With Jessica, my beautiful granddaughter, I am aware of my first born’s own relationship with her grandmother and how my stepfather kept them apart and how fraught that relationship is today as a result. I am therefore prepared to fight on every level for my relationship with Jessica as I don’t want there to be a huge gap in my relationship with her. I want to break that cycle right here and now.

Jessica and I have grown very close over her first year and she knows she is very much loved by the whole family and I never want that to change. I want Jessica to know the love and support of her whole family standing alongside her ready to encourage her in every facet of her life as she develops into a stable, thriving young woman with a beautiful spirit; her whole life reinforced by the love of God and family. That is my prayer for Jessica.

It has been so special to see our little family growing from whom we were when we first came to Auckland.  We have faced so many challenges over the years as a family, in our efforts to find ourselves and having to work through the emotional issues that seem to hide around every corner, waiting to wreak havoc. It has been much like putting out fires along the way and I think we are getting better at it. I have found that unconditional love, made available 24/7, is the best extinguisher along with the ever insistent prayers of a mother desperate for her young. The fires aren’t as big these days and are much easier to put out….SIGH… God is good and life is good!!  I never thought I could be this happy AND single LOL  Only with God could we have this amazing outcome.

  At the end of the day, my children have needed me first and God knew that I would, in time, see the long term benefits of doing things His way. I am so grateful to my beautiful and loving Father in Heaven, for His infinite wisdom and His excellent plan for my life! I am also grateful to all my children and their partners for their love and patience as they’ve partnered with me in this journey of recovery. Everything works out for good in the end for those who love Him with all their hearts. I breathe a huge sigh of relief at where we are today…and I look forward to the future with God in whom I entrust with my whole life. Thank you Father xoxo Amen.

Please be encouraged today knowing that God wants to bless your life too. Have a great day!!

Market Business

Handcrafted Goods and Clothing

Name of the business: Blue Daffodils

www.bluedaffodils.co.nz

Blog: The Daffodil Diaries.

Daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings.  Lore connecting the daffodil to not only a sign of winter’s end but a lucky emblem of future prosperity.  It is the March birth flower.

Daffodils have meanings of faith, honesty, truth, forgiveness, and forthrightness.  They are ever vigilant in returning each spring, and with their return we are reminded that their beauty is capable of following on the shirttails of even the harshest winters (or tribulations).

- and -

The daffodil is symbolic of the power of inner beauty and the clarity of thought.  It reminds us that clarity of thought makes our whole world change and it makes many decisions easier if they are not over analysed but instead clarified and soundly resolved.

Blue is the colour of truth and spirituality.

Pasted from <http://noordinarymoment.com/index.php/2009/10/spiritual-bouquet-of-daffodils/

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“I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” or “Daffodils”

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of

I wandered lonely as a Cloud by William Wordsworth

Wordsworth’s most famous poem about daffodils was composed in 1804, two years after he saw the flowers while walking by Ullswater on a stormy day with Dorothy, his sister. His inspiration for the poem came from an account written by Dorothy.

In her journal entry for 15 April 1802 she describes how the daffodils ‘tossed and reeled and danced, and seemed as if they verily laughed with the wind, that blew upon them over the lake.’ Wordsworth published his poem, I wandered lonely as a Cloud, in 1807. He later altered it, and his second version, published in 1815, is the one widely known today.

Although Wordsworth’s ‘Daffodils’ is one of the most famous and widely read poems in the English language, daffodils were probably not Wordsworth’s favourite flower. He wrote no less than three poems about the tiny Common Pilewort (Celandine) which blossoms in early spring. Read Wordsworth’s Celandine poems.

First version

I wandered lonely as a Cloud

That floats on high o’er Vales and Hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd

A host of dancing Daffodils;

Along the Lake, beneath the trees,

Ten thousand dancing in the breeze.

The waves beside them danced, but they

Outdid the sparkling waves in glee: —

A poet could not but be gay

In such a laughing company:

I gazed — and gazed — but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude,

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the Daffodils.

Composed, 1804

Published, Poems in Two Volumes 1807

Second version

I wandered lonely as a Cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and Hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden Daffodils;

Beside the Lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:-

A Poet could not but be gay

In such a jocund company:

I gazed—-and gazed—-but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude,

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the Daffodils.

Published in Collected Poems, 1815

Well so much for that….life happens and I’m found still looking around on the starting blocks….waiting for someone to blow a whistle or shoot a starter’s gun….What’s holding me back…time? energy? peace? courage to take the risk? Sigh….there are so many personal issues in my life right now, that I hardly know where to begin and that’s exactly why I won’t go there right now. I will, nevertheless, push on and focus on the bigger picture; the future; but mostly my beautiful granddaughter who hopefully one day will get a big kick out of a business that has a line of clothing named after her. To you Jessica Sophie Mulgrew I give what I am able at this time.

Many times in my life I have felt myself slowed down by grief and heartache. It’s almost like running a race…everything is going well and you’re gaining on the runner in second place and see yourself having a good shot at first place…but then something happens…you get cramp in your leg or you trip over the runner in second place, or you just simply run out of steam. Suddenly there is no hope of winning or even coming second…and other runners who were behind you now overtake you. Is this a familiar feeling, have you been here before. I have…many a time.

Right now I am working towards regaining my momentum. I am getting more sleep. I am making time to cry when I don’t have to go to work or be anywhere special. It’s called my time. Time to be me on every level. No holds barred….No pretenses…or masks…just simply me with my heartache and grief just trying to give this life the best shot I can. Each of us has so much potential in life. We are each given amazing gifts from God to use in the fulfillment of a life lived in the fullness of God. In order to do this we all need to work through and overcome the difficult times….and keep moving…keep moving and don’t stop…when you fall down….get back up and keep getting back up…and don’t ever, ever , ever give up.

I am also cutting down on the comfort eating that I often find myself doing when life gets on top of me. I am in so much pain emotionally that it is draining all of my physical energy. I intend to fight this with all that I have and I will endeavour to rise above the storm that threatens me from every angle and overwhelms my every  breath…my every thought. 

I want to encourage you today that if you are feeling like this in some area of your life and don’t know how to get up and over it, please ask God our Father in heaven to help you. Just make it a very simple prayer, from your heart and I promise you He will strengthen you and carry you through this difficult time. You will overcome in His strength. 

May God Bless you today and strengthen your heart, your soul, your mind and your spirit so that you may go forth and be all that He intended you to be :-)

My Blog

Hello, my name is Delores and I am a single parent with three beautiful adult children, Kellie, Adam and Lyndsay and one wee granddaughter Jessica. I can’t believe how blessed I feel to be a grandmother.

Background:

I spent the bigger part of my life in Levin before moving to Auckland, in 2000. I had a dream to build a better life for myself and my children. As a child and young person growing up, I experienced some difficult years. I eventually recommitted my life to God at the age of 33. My life changed for the better from that moment on. It wasn’t all easy, but it was certainly worth it as I began to make some positive changes in my life and some good choices. I began to realise that with the experiences I lived through I had something to offer to others in the same situation…hope! Hope of recovery, hope of forgiveness and a future in Christ. I decided I wanted to work in the community helping broken families rebuild their lives.

Once in Auckland, I studied at Unitec for the first 4 years majoring in Social Practice. I left with a degree; had a couple of months off then walked into a job. The same job I have been in for the last 7 1/2 years. During that time I have been stretched beyond anything I could ever have imagined and have had very little time, energy, or drive to do anything else apart from barely exist outside of the workplace. Burnout is something that I felt constantly nipping at my heels for a good many of those years until one day it finally hit me that the demands of the role I was doing were unrealistic, unsustainable over a long period of time and unlikely to ever change.

I decided I then needed to make a change and moved to another department in the same organisation where the work was still crucial to the process of keeping children and young people safe without crippling my spirit. I am now working 1 evening and 3 night shifts doing 4 x 10 hour shifts.

Moving Forward:

This has placed me in the enviable position of having 3 days off and some time to do the other things in life that I love to do. I love interior design. I completed a Diploma in Professional Interior Design when my children were just babies. I also love to sew and create stuff; however for the last 12 years I have pretty much put all that creative energy aside to study, hold down a job and raise my children. Well, they have all grown up now and my youngest is very close to completing her full time study and at the end of this year she is looking at entering the workforce and leaving home. So, what does this mean for me? Yes!! Empty nest syndrome!

Am I ready to live completely alone? Do I have a choice? I will definitely grieve the departure of my youngest Lyndsay, who will be moving out for the first time in 23 years. When I finally stop crying and move on with my life I am very much looking forward to spending hours in my sewing room…only coming out to eat and sleep…well not quite to that extent…but hey it’s nice to know that I could if I wanted to :-)

My Hopes and Dreams:

Over the last few years I have begun to dream about building an online business; selling all sorts of products that I have sewn myself, as well as handcrafted items. A lot of people are already doing this, however for me, it’s not just about earning another income; it’ something I enjoy doing and it’s about the challenge and seeing where I can go with this creative energy that I’ve been suppressing since I began my role as a social practitioner. I do miss the joy of creating.

I recently began sewing again. I have started with some children’s clothing and hope to expand to clothing and accessories for babies, children and adults. Eventually I would also like to branch out into ‘Home Décor’ accessories.

My Charity:

I hope to build an online business that will provide quality goods to the public as well as support a community charity. My chosen charity is “Kids Can” which I have recently taken up alongside my World Vision donations. This means I am working against poverty, locally as well as internationally. There are many children in our communities living at a level of poverty which is just not acceptable and hopefully I can help to make a difference for the babies and children in our own neighbourhood. By supporting “Kids Can” I will, in a small way, still be contributing to society in a way that supports my practitioner role. I hope, one day, to be able to reduce my social practice hours as this will enable me to expand the business and further increase my support to community projects which support the children and young people of New Zealand.

So, that’s all ‘about me’ for now and I invite you to watch this space and share my journey with me as I step into the next exciting phase of my life.