9 April 2013
Embracing my Singleness
The weather is still lovely here in Auckland, as it is over much of the country and I am feeling lately to just rest in the Lord. I read a little snippet on face book recently that said “one of the most spiritual things we can do is just rest”. When I read that I suddenly felt myself breathe a huge spiritual sigh of relief. It was like so much lifted off me and I have recently been aware of embracing the simple joys of life and being careful not to race too far ahead of myself. As I sit and rest, it has been a time of reflection as we move into this new Autumn season and I realise what a blessing it has been all these years to be just me..lol…and I ask myself, “did I ever think that could be the case”?? :-)
I remember going through so many different stages in my singleness over the years until one day when God began to show me what I would have missed had I been with someone already. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last 13 years developing myself in my career and growing in my ability to support myself financially, emotionally and spiritually, whilst also supporting my children through many stages of their own lives.
I love that we all live close to each other and therefore I am not too far away if they need emotional or other support. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when it has been incredibly hard to always be that support person, especially as a sole parent and at times I felt to give up and wanted nothing more than to runaway from home..but God continues to strengthen me to be all that they need. His word says He will be a defender of the widows and a Father to the fatherless; (Psalm 68:5) and He is faithful to fulfill that promise as I have experienced in my own life.
The bond between me and my children has been so strengthened over these years and is something very special for which I will always be grateful to God for. I even remember times when I would find myself saying to God…”please don’t send someone into my life yet because I simply can’t be distracted right now, my children still need me”…..I know they are all grown up and adults now…but you know what? the beginning years of their lives, as a result of my own mistakes, have taken their toll emotionally and for two of them especially has manifested negatively in different areas of their lives.
Therefore, I’d hate to have been unavailable to them all these years. I love what we have together as a family. It’s still not all ‘a bed of roses’, but we are getting there. I just love the strength and joy that I see in their lives as they continue to overcome the hurt of the past and move forward in their own lives one step at a time. In my own journey, I never felt that my own mother could really acknowledge and take any responsibility for what I and my siblings went through growing up. Hence, it has been my personal mission and my ministry, I guess, to serve my own children in a way that is healing and that will encourage them in their own development and so strengthen them for God’s calling on their lives.
At times it is tiring and I ask myself sometimes, “are we making ground?” but then I see old habits dropped and the wisdom of new decisions that are being made for a positive and new future and I also see the hearts that respond in love and understanding instead of the age old anger and resentment of years gone by and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and so I praise God with all my whole heart and soul for our team work, for without Him it would be useless because He alone enhances everything I do, with His spirit, which reinforces mine and His love towards them and makes them stronger with each passing day. We are certainly making progress and each day is a blessing!!
With Jessica, my beautiful granddaughter, I am aware of my first born’s own relationship with her grandmother and how my stepfather kept them apart and how fraught that relationship is today as a result. I am therefore prepared to fight on every level for my relationship with Jessica as I don’t want there to be a huge gap in my relationship with her. I want to break that cycle right here and now.
Jessica and I have grown very close over her first year and she knows she is very much loved by the whole family and I never want that to change. I want Jessica to know the love and support of her whole family standing alongside her ready to encourage her in every facet of her life as she develops into a stable, thriving young woman with a beautiful spirit; her whole life reinforced by the love of God and family. That is my prayer for Jessica.
It has been so special to see our little family growing from whom we were when we first came to Auckland. We have faced so many challenges over the years as a family, in our efforts to find ourselves and having to work through the emotional issues that seem to hide around every corner, waiting to wreak havoc. It has been much like putting out fires along the way and I think we are getting better at it. I have found that unconditional love, made available 24/7, is the best extinguisher along with the ever insistent prayers of a mother desperate for her young. The fires aren’t as big these days and are much easier to put out….SIGH… God is good and life is good!! I never thought I could be this happy AND single LOL Only with God could we have this amazing outcome.
At the end of the day, my children have needed me first and God knew that I would, in time, see the long term benefits of doing things His way. I am so grateful to my beautiful and loving Father in Heaven, for His infinite wisdom and His excellent plan for my life! I am also grateful to all my children and their partners for their love and patience as they’ve partnered with me in this journey of recovery. Everything works out for good in the end for those who love Him with all their hearts. I breathe a huge sigh of relief at where we are today…and I look forward to the future with God in whom I entrust with my whole life. Thank you Father xoxo Amen.
Please be encouraged today knowing that God wants to bless your life too. Have a great day!!